BREAKING NEWS: HARRY POTTER IS A FARTY BUTTFACE
By Draco Malfoy, Age 11, special reporter.
An urgent problem that certainly affects all wizards has recently come to my attention; one that I feel cannot go unnoticed any longer. Simply put, Harry Potter, who thinks he is so great with his special broom and quidditch team and stupid hair, etc., is nothing more than a stinky, farty buttface. Time is of the essence, because he gets grosser every day.
This first came to my attention when I first arrived at Hogwarts, ready for glory and everything owed to me (which is QUITE A LOT, DO YOU KNOW WHO MY FATHER IS?), and upon arriving realized that the scruffy boy with stupid, stupid glasses was in fact the famous Potter. Deciding that I would use my connections, popularity, intelligence, money, and debonair charm to help him navigate the strange, chaotic world of magic in general and Hogwarts in particular, I approached him and extended my hand in friendship, explaining that I was out for his best interests, especially since a dirty poor ginger-kid had already smelled his fame and money and attached himself like a lamprey. This was an offer MOST SINCERE, and he SHUNNED ME in a way that was very cruel indeed and involved kicking not one but two HARMLESS PUPPIES that were standing nearby. I managed to maintain my gentlemanly poise but it was difficult, because really, he is a barbarian. It was then that I started to realize the truth: his face looks like a butt, he smells like a butt, he has a butt-like attitude, and he must be stopped.
Despite the fact that his face is a LITERAL ARSE, full of foul odors and offensive flatulence that takes its form in smug bragging and spiteful bullying, everybody loves Potter and it is so unfair! Why does he get to play quidditch when my father says that I’m a natural and Malfoys are always superior at sports and generally any endeavor they undertake? Why is he so popular when my mother says I’m super cool and handsome? My parents send me sweeties and prezzies nearly every day, and twice on Sundays, because they know how awesome I am. Potter, meanwhile, was raised by orangutans or yetis or whatever and surely would not know how to navigate a proper table setting because he is the VERY DEFINITION OF UNCOTH, but everybody acts like the sun shines out of his arse, or I should say arses, because once again I must remind you that he has two butts AND ONE IS HIS FACE.
Look at this very accurate representation of the subject: some artistic liberties have been taken, but believe me it is an improvement, because his buttface is a HORRORSHOW. Farts come out of his gross butt-mouth willy-nilly, flies and other vermin are drawn to his stench, but everyone is blind to his faults because he’s the boy-who-something (can’t quite remember, as it never struck me as all that impressive)! Please join me, dear readers, in recognizing the truth: that Potter is nothing more than a FLATULENT MONSTROSITY, and should be shunned, mocked, and flogged as is appropriate. It was only a few days past that I told Potter he should be more polite and a little more humble, and he told me that he hoped everyone I loved would get stung by magic bees and get all swollen and icky, and I told him WAIT UNTIL MY FATHER HEARS ABOUT THIS and he said YOUR FATHER IS STUPID and I knew that was the last straw, because my father is the best and did indeed hear about it, and now you are all hearing about it, and everything is going to be better now that you all know how awful Potter is. Now that my duty to wizard-kind has been done, I am going to go do some very sophisticated magic and I will certainly be better at it than both Potter and that stupid muggle Granger, who is perhaps uglier than a butt, and will certainly be a topic of a forthcoming article, MARK MY WORDS.
Reblogging my old thing because IT IS STILL RELEVANT and POTTER’S FARTY REIGN CONTINUES.